Today I feel bad for myself. I’m upset that addiction causes this much stress and strain on my soul.
I feel confused because it’s my choice to stay and to be subject to the consequences of loving an addict. I hate what I go through. I know that the emotional roller coaster I am on, isn’t right. I hate what kind of damper it puts on my heart and the weight I carry with me. But …
I love him. So much that it hurts. So cliche right.
Besides all the many different choices I could have made to end up any place but here. Here is where I reside. I am here. So what now.
I hate addiction. I love him.
What is healthy? What steps do I take? How can I help myself.
It’s hard to feel like there are good answers to those questions. I already know the answers any normal person would give me. But as of yet, nothing sits well with my soul. Don’t confuse that with wanting an answer that sidesteps pain. I just want peace even if it accompanies pain.