Month: January 2017

Let Go Let God 


Because I am very progressive by nature,  I often have moments of enlightenment.   Usually is a concept derived from a truth I already know, sometimes it’s knowledge I already had.  Yet it seems new because it just makes sense in a different light. 

I had one of these moments yesterday.  

I have this new understanding of the process that addiction is.  For a long time now addiction was an old topic.  Anything about or related to it felt redundant.  But yesterday everything changed. 

Mainly the realization of truly letting go.  I don’t know how it didn’t occur to me until now.  Truly giving up your life to God.  Separately, but both for the Addict, and for loved ones.  The words themselves register as simple basic knowledge, but when you put effort in applying them it is powerful and life changing.  

Letting go of control happens when we strengthen our relationship with our creator.  When we know who we are, and what our purpose is, it makes it so much easier to hand our lives over.

I wish we could all strip the paradigm we see through.  We could be more authentic, and free, and trusting. 

Acknowledgement

The reality is, it has been 9 years of loving my addict.  9 years longer than I ever would have imagined.

During these past 9 years, I have felt extremities of what it means to feel alone, terrified, hopeless, and broken.  I have felt heartbroken.  Real pain in my stomach through my heart and then to my throat and mind.  How did I end up here?  How did I end up alone?  Why do I feel so disconnected?

I didn’t see rest or peace as a reality for me.  Miserable with, OR without.   I felt like I didn’t deserve to suffer this much, to believing its exactly what I deserve.  I felt abandoned, not understanding how I could be married alone.  I felt embarrassed, like somehow this made me a failure I always deep down knew I would be.

I felt today like I wanted to offer connection.  Share your story with me.  Let me share mine.  Walk with me.  Read and feel that you are not alone.  Find empathy, acknowledgment, or hope.  Whatever you need.

“Grace is that thing that whispers, its dark and hard in there.  I cannot make it hurt any less, I cannot make it go any faster all I can do is remind you that you walked through this before.” -Glennon Doyle Melton

Begins and ends 

I have been studying vulnerability and shame for many years now.   I  always learning more and developing my understanding of how they each relate to our life.  I know that embracing vulnerability leads to a more joyful life.  

I am just now connecting all I have learned, to the life of an addict. 

In a general sense, addiction is either brought on or continued because of feelings of shame.  And numbing is the opposite of vulnerability.  

I have this passion of the importance of shame resistance.  I know that if we embraced the simple truths of love and kindness, that we would realize that shame doesn’t exist there.  No positive results ever come from shaming someone.  There is usually an explanation of good intention behind shame, but never a good result.  

Treatment begins and ends in love and connection. 

Old 

I feel significantly older than I am; measured in exhaustion.  Living through these years have felt like I have lived a lifetime.  It’s depressing to be so tired knowing you have a whole life ahead of you with no energy to live it.  Dreams and hopes feel completely different with no motivation to tag along.  I wish I could purchase motivation in the vitamin isle.  THAT would be great right?!  I guess that’s where the work is.  That’s where my work is.  

In the valley 


You can’t be enough of anything, to avoid struggle.  Not smart enough, careful enough, responsible enough, safe enough.

Right now I’m in the valley.  I seem to be really good at wasting my precious energy, and one of those ways is by telling myself I shouldn’t be here. WHY DO I DO THIS?  As if I’m not already exhausted enough, I’m going to use the little energy I do have shaming myself. AWESOME!  That’s killing two birds with one stone, except you scored for the wrong team.

It’s like my world slowly got dimmer and dimmer while I went through day by day.  Then all of the sudden I wake up one day in the dark, and everything is different. Everything is heavy.  In my dark world, everything is absolute.  My past present and future look just as dark as I feel inside.  When you tell me to do this or that, all it does is confirm to me I must be broken when those things don’t work.

This time though, my dark world is different. Usually, I never look pain in the face. I actually pretend it’s not there.  I try to out busy the pain.  This time, I can sit with it.  It’s true discomfort but at least I’m not numb.  I can stare at it.  I can talk with it.

Most of our growth comes from pain right!  I mean think about it. Think about the turning points in your life. Think about the moments that make you, YOU.  Mine are toughies.  They are sucker punches.

Using any one of my easy buttons to ignore or avoid pain has never worked.  I have never drunk away pain, that didn’t reappear the next day.   Drinking, eating, spending, busying myself, working, or______(fill in the blank) never has put pain behind me permanently.  The next day it’s always right there in front of me.  UNTIL I FACE IT.  Until I sit with it.  Until I look it in the eye.  Until I learn from it.   The valleys however deep, can still be magical.

“Don’t knock the valleys. Up on the mountain, the air’s so thin you can hardly breathe and all you can do is stand still and try not to fall. And down in the the valley is where the river flows.”

Part 2- …But I’ll take both 

…But I’ll take both 

Tonight I was sitting here gloomy like I have been the past while.  I came across a blog post by my soul sister, Glennon Melon Doyle(if you haven’t read Love Warrior, do it NOW). Immediately a light switch flipped on. Immediately (I need to pause to take that in).  I don’t even know how I found it(well).  That moment was perfect.  I finally felt a perfect acceptance of myself just the way I am.  I spend so much energy hating myself, wishing for everything to be different, shaming myself. All on the inside of course.  That would sound extreme to anyone who knows me but it’s the God forsaken truth.  But that moment it all vanished just like the darkness.  I felt acknowledged.  Understood. Connected, not alone.  Glennon sat beside me, stared into me, and said, “me too”.  

 So because of this small big moment,  I decided to take Glennons’ beautiful writing, and make it my own because heaven knows it’s my story too.
“My highs are high and my lows are low. I love easily but I cry and yell easily,too. I am quick to hug, and quick to anger. I have many struggles, many times a day. But I experience pure joy too, everyday.
I’m not the type to roll with things. I get very down- for reasons I can never identify. I think eighteen times a day how no one in the history of the world has ever had a harder life than I do. Then in the very same second, acknowledge 10 examples of how that will never be true. If I could choose a phrase to describe the polar opposite of my personality, it would be “easy-breezy”.  

Sometimes I get so upset that I become debilitated. I’m talking crumble to the ground, tears, head in hands… the whole she-bang. My break downs appear to be brought on by one little thing, like a grocery bag breaking in the driveway – and so Daniel will say, “It’s okay Maddy, it’s just a grocery bag,” and I’ll say: “IT’S NOT A GROCERY BAG! IT’S EVERYTHING! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT’S EVERYTHING???” And I don’t want anyone to try to fix it or fix me – I just want to be upset. I just need to be upset for awhile. Because life is upsetting, obviously.

I do not cruise through life. I sort of crash through life. But I also “WOW” through life, too.

And so it’s okay. I’ll take the lows with the highs. The valleys are deep but the mountains are high and I’ll take both.”