The reality is, it has been 9 years of loving my addict.  9 years longer than I ever would have imagined.

During these past 9 years, I have felt extremities of what it means to feel alone, terrified, hopeless, and broken.  I have felt heartbroken.  Real pain in my stomach through my heart and then to my throat and mind.  How did I end up here?  How did I end up alone?  Why do I feel so disconnected?

I didn’t see rest or peace as a reality for me.  Miserable with, OR without.   I felt like I didn’t deserve to suffer this much, to believing its exactly what I deserve.  I felt abandoned, not understanding how I could be married alone.  I felt embarrassed, like somehow this made me a failure I always deep down knew I would be.

I felt today like I wanted to offer connection.  Share your story with me.  Let me share mine.  Walk with me.  Read and feel that you are not alone.  Find empathy, acknowledgment, or hope.  Whatever you need.

“Grace is that thing that whispers, its dark and hard in there.  I cannot make it hurt any less, I cannot make it go any faster all I can do is remind you that you walked through this before.” -Glennon Doyle Melton


  1. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m married to an addict and I relate to everything you wrote. I feel like I am just just going through the motions of life but I stopped living. I feel like a shell of former self. So hollow and empty.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi,
    I came across your blog today on a day where I am looking for hope. My husband is an addicted to drugs and I am addicted to him. 10 years together and 6 years of marriage… He was a drug user when we met. I, possibly unfairly, blame myself for his addiction which makes it so much harder to contemplate leaving him. He was a casual user when we met and I was in the place in my life where I wanted to do everything that I wasn’t supposed to. I had a good paying job and no financial responsibilities. It took me 6 months of doing cocaine for me to simultaneously realize that I did not want to continue doing drugs and that I did not want to live my life without him in it. The good: I quit cocaine one day and never looked back. The Bad: He never could. He went from coke and ecstacy to meth then pills to heroin and back to meth and pills. I know that he is bad for me; that he steals money from me; that the stress of my marriage to him is ruining me physical, mentally, emotionally; That the 2 beautiful children that we now have deserve so much more than a run down trailer, a father that is 2 different people, and a mother that stays. Always stays. But as addicted to the drugs as he is, the fact that I can’t quit him in the face of all that he does makes me the weak one I think. The part that always makes me feel so hopeless is how very much I miss the feeling of being in love. That feeling of “Anything is possible”!!! I’m looking for that feeling in my life again. Do I think I will find it in my husbands eyes or touch? Not Likely. But I am looking in the words and promises of God. When I get discouraged at work, I look for them on-line and I thank you for your words today,

    Liked by 1 person

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