In the middle of the messiest years of addiction, I truly thought that was my only problem. The chaos consumed just about all the energy I had, and I was living in a constant state of survival mode. When I was so hyper focused on my husband and his addiction, I fantasized about how great life would be IF ONLY he were sober. Surely all my problems would disappear and life would be perfect.
Well I’m here to let you in on a secret. That thinking was inaccurate on so many levels. First on my addicts side of the street, drugs were the solution not the problem. So when you take drugs out of the equation, you’re still left with the problem. Then on my side of the street, I was so busy blaming everything (and I do mean EVERYTHING) on the addiction that sobriety became my teacher of reality.
My lessons continued as my addict was changing, and working on his problems. His slowly started to disappear, and behind them were MINE. All my crap was hiding behind all his. Or really I was so busy looking at his that I couldn’t see mine. It took time to see what I hadn’t for a long time. I realized that blaming the addiction for everything left me with no power to change. If I’m not the the problem there is no solution. Its hard, yes, but it’s also empowering to acknowledge responsibility because it means I can do something about it.
Long story short, I still have a lot of work to do, but my recovery began with working the 12 steps myself. Now that I see all my own character flaws, and can take responsibility, I can turn to those steps to live in a solution.
Man, does this ever get easier? The water is crashing hard lately. I really struggle with time. This addiction in my home has cost me years and years. The life that I dreamed that I would have is nowhere in sight and even the personal milestones I hoped to accomplish are also nowhere to be found.
I know there are two ways to look at this but I’m going to paint a picture of how I feel from my experience. I have always dreamt about having a family. That is what I look forward to most. These years of addiction have push that dream to the back burner and put my whole future on probation. I feel like I have waited and wished and hoped for and prayed and pleaded for some indication of peaceful recovery. We have had bits and pieces but never true comforting lasting sobriety. Addiction ruthlessly keeps pushing out my years. How many years do I have to give? I’m afraid of that I’m gonna be too old to have the life that I always wanted. I feel like I am watching everybody live my dream while I sit hoping that it can happen for me. Every day it crosses my mind.
Seeing this in black-and-white doesn’t do it justice. I know that if I reading this with no emotion involved it would probably be a simple answer such as get divorced and move on.
Right now it takes every ounce of energy that I have to make sure I can pay my bills. It takes all my energy to function the way I have to survive. After all that what energy do I possibly have left to move on. It’s hard for me to even really consider that a thought because it seems impossible. If I could check myself into rehab center, could focus on me, and have the option of staying in fetal position for a few months I think I would probably be OK. But I am a big girl and don’t get those luxuries.
If there’s a positive to pain is always going to be growth. When I’m really low it’s so hard to feel like I could be sustained through hard times. How on earth am I going to have the energy I need to make it?
It is a very good time to practice the things I claim to know. I’m so thankful to have a step-by-step guide to my own peace and recovery. I will lean into that and I will tell God that I don’t know what to do until I know what to do.