Man, does this ever get easier? The water is crashing hard lately. I really struggle with time. This addiction in my home has cost me years and years. The life that I dreamed that I would have is nowhere in sight and even the personal milestones I hoped to accomplish are also nowhere to be found.
I know there are two ways to look at this but I’m going to paint a picture of how I feel from my experience. I have always dreamt about having a family. That is what I look forward to most. These years of addiction have push that dream to the back burner and put my whole future on probation. I feel like I have waited and wished and hoped for and prayed and pleaded for some indication of peaceful recovery. We have had bits and pieces but never true comforting lasting sobriety. Addiction ruthlessly keeps pushing out my years. How many years do I have to give? I’m afraid of that I’m gonna be too old to have the life that I always wanted. I feel like I am watching everybody live my dream while I sit hoping that it can happen for me. Every day it crosses my mind.
Seeing this in black-and-white doesn’t do it justice. I know that if I reading this with no emotion involved it would probably be a simple answer such as get divorced and move on.
Right now it takes every ounce of energy that I have to make sure I can pay my bills. It takes all my energy to function the way I have to survive. After all that what energy do I possibly have left to move on. It’s hard for me to even really consider that a thought because it seems impossible. If I could check myself into rehab center, could focus on me, and have the option of staying in fetal position for a few months I think I would probably be OK. But I am a big girl and don’t get those luxuries.
If there’s a positive to pain is always going to be growth. When I’m really low it’s so hard to feel like I could be sustained through hard times. How on earth am I going to have the energy I need to make it?
It is a very good time to practice the things I claim to know. I’m so thankful to have a step-by-step guide to my own peace and recovery. I will lean into that and I will tell God that I don’t know what to do until I know what to do.