Dear, ‘the life I was supposed to have’,

Right now I was supposed to be a mom.  I was supposed to have 3 kids by now and my job was supposed to be taking care of the kids, not taking care of the bills.  I was supposed to be worried if I’m doing a good enough job as a mom, not worried if my car would start.  I was supposed to be stressed about whether my husband will like the dinner I made, not stressed about whether my husband will stay sober this time or not.  While my best friend is in the hospital having a baby, I’m in the hospital because my husband overdosed.

Ultimately, my reality is that I am married to an addict, I have no kids, and I have to support myself.  The life I was supposed to have… has died.  So I guess now I am greiving.  It’s funny because as I write that, I realize I’m kind of in denial. (The mere fact that I wrote ‘kind of’ confirms this)  I don’t think I have been still enough realize that this life past away a long time ago.  And if I keep living there, it will kill the life I ‘could’ have now.  

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8 comments

  1. I believe true hope is born when we see that there is no way to carry on so we cry out to God. Jesus came to heal the broken hearted, your heart cries out in its pain. Trust Jesus by telling Him about your pain. He can help you overcome. I will be praying for you. Blessings Richard

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  2. Yes we grieve when we let go of dreams. For me a divorce shattered dreams, and then later cancer. Grieving is healthy as long as we stand up and find a new normal that we can live with. May God bring you rest and joy and friendship.

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  3. Amen! I think we all go through the process of grief once we realize that our life will never be “normal” and what everyone else is living. Sobriety is a 24/7 struggle that leaves little room for normal. Hang in there. We’re all here for you!

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  4. I feel your pain! I struggle daily what I thought my life would like. I am also in denial, i think that is what messes with me the most, the ideas I had in my head of how our life was going to be. And every time he gets “sober”, the hope of that life comes back. And every time is gets taken from again.

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