Month: December 2018

The Burn

“Like a silkworm weaving her house with love from
her marrow, and dying in her body’s threads winding
tight, round and round, I burn desiring what the heart
desires. Cut through, O Lord, my heart’s greed, and
show me your way out, O Lord white as jasmine”
As I read and re-read these words I felt the message of change of heart.  I think of addiction and the 12 steps. This poem perfectly describes the process of acknowledgment, realizing self-will, the fight with the natural man, and surrendering to God. The idea that you must die to be reborn, and the process of getting rid of self will and ego and truly surrender.  “I burn desiring what the heart desires” sounds like the strife from the natural man.  Flesh versus the spirit.  Then the surrender, “cut through, o Lord, my hearts greed and show me your way out”.  Show me YOUR way out. not mine. Acceptance of thy will.

Knowing and Unknowing


“The day you teach the child the name of the bird, the child will never see that bird again” –Krishnamurti

In order to have an open, intimate experience of life we need to connect to people and things.  SO. Think of the world.  What it would look like walking through the world without naming things. Like flowers, trees, birds, etc.  When you name things, you no longer see the majesty and stillness and brilliance because we “know” it. Does that make sense?  Think about it… because we know what it is we usually take it for granted, overlook it, and don’t experience the beauty as if it were something we didn’t know. They still exist whether we name them or not.  If you look at something without saying what it is, you have a different experience.  You have an intimate experience with life.  With existence.

Now think of children…..the INNOCENCE OF CHILDREN. What makes them different that us, is that they know they don’t know.  They marvel and are curious, and are astounded by the beauty of life.  Adults THINK they know.  So we overlook, disconnect, and ultimately isolate from both the world and people.  Which I think is our spiritual side.  And this same thought applies for why we miss spirituality and God in general.

It’s the ego. “I KNOW” that changes your experience with things.

If that is true, then humility is the key to unknowing.

Too young or too proud?


OK so there is this thing.  AND I JUST DO. NOT. GET IT.  Like age=wisdom, respect your elders, and “oh honey just wait until you’re older, then you’ll understand”.

I remember completely not understanding these rules of the world when I was really young.  I could name one specific instance but there was so many just like it that I feel okay grouping them together.  Any time I would engage in a conversation with an adult  sharing my opinion the same things would happen.  I would like to add that these were not the snarky, rude conversations that their responses might infer.  My parents usually would scold me, or give me that wide eyed look that silently told me to “stop”, but the real emotion I read on their face was embarrassment.  Blend in, stay small, show respect. The other adults saw me as disrespectful because I was too young to have an opinion on anything.

When I was in my teens I was too young to really understand life, when I was in dating I was laughed at for the things I wished for in a husband,  then when I was married I was always belittled for being in the sweet little honeymoon stage.

Later in my twenties, surrounded my large family we were all discussing the depth of parenting.  My husband and I contributed to that conversation something we felt about a parent child relationship and immediately what followed was those all too familiar superior looks at us explaining, “oh just wait until you have kids, then I want to hear what you have to say.”  In that same setting, my sister in law who did have one child voiced her thoughts, which were faithfully met with the reply, “You only have one kid, just wait until you have more.”

I am officially rejecting this notion that age automatically equals wisdom. Also discounting other people has a payoff of superiority which feels nice but actually is nothing but mean spirited.  Also do you ever learn anything if you’re always needing to be the smartest in the room? Asking for a friend. All that ever taught me was to stay small, and that my voice didn’t matter.

First its because you’re young, then its because you’re not married, then its because you don’t have kids, then you don’t have enough kids.  DO YOU SEE THE PATTERN? If you let them, they will always find a new way to make you inferior, and staying small serves no one.  If you don’t believe me, believe Mother Teresa:

People are often unreasonable, irrational and self-centered; 
        Forgive them anyway. 
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; 
        Be kind anyway. 
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies; 
        Succeed anyway. 
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you; 
        Be honest and sincere anyway. 
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight; 
        Create anyway. 
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous; 
        Be happy anyway. 
The good you do today, will often be forgotten; 
        Do good anyway. 
Give the best you have, and it may never be enough; 
        Give your best anyway. 
In the final analysis, it is between you and God; 
        It was never between you and them anyway.

You can live your whole life not paying attention, and you can be young and know truth.  You can be old and wise, and young and careless.

Kind looks good on everyone.  And the only thing I’ve learned from superiority is that I never want to be that. 


Line upon Line


I had a biology lab this week for an online class I am taking.  I looked at the lab and was immediately overwhelmed.  I was pouring over the pages that looked like it was written in a foreign language.  I was so frustrated and discouraged feeling that this lab was impossible for me to do. I was completely lost as I stared at the information that made absolutely no sense to me.

After a few hours of a breakdown of defeat, I decided to try again.  This time I just read one word at a time, one line at a time.  I slowly made my way through the lines, through the pages then through the lab.  I. DID. IT. Not only did I do it, I UNDERSTOOD IT. IT MADE SENSE.  The same pages that hours before looked impossible, now were clear.

This is how I experience life.  Years ago.  My life looked like my first glance at that biology lab.  IMPOSSIBLE.  It made no sense to me. Nothing was adding up, and I felt overwhelmed, frustrated and discouraged.  I lived in control, fear, worry, blame, resentment, and inaction.  but. then something happened.  I went to a meeting. Then another, then another.  I got a sponsor, I worked the steps (one step at a time I might add).  And today, I can see.  It makes sense.  All of it.  Line upon line, I learned, stretched, grew, gained hope and faith.  Line upon line.  What once made no sense, now was so clear.

I love God.  I love my Savior.  Mortality is hard, but it is BEAUTIFUL too.  The hard things can still be beautiful.  Today, when I snap at someone but am able to make amends quicker, THATS BEAUTIFUL TO ME.  When my character weaknesses start showing up but I notice and am able to ask God to remove them from me, THATS BEAUTIFUL to me.  When I am in the middle of something painful, but I know I am growing through it. Its. So. Beautiful to me. The process is amazing.

Sitting in meetings, changes me.  The Savior sits in those rooms with us.  He wipes the tears of each person sharing their heart and soul, their struggle and triumph, their hope and despair.  All of it.  To be able to go to meetings to talk about the Savior of the world, and to experience his atonement. Its so beautiful to me.