christian

Acknowledgement

The reality is, it has been 9 years of loving my addict.  9 years longer than I ever would have imagined.

During these past 9 years, I have felt extremities of what it means to feel alone, terrified, hopeless, and broken.  I have felt heartbroken.  Real pain in my stomach through my heart and then to my throat and mind.  How did I end up here?  How did I end up alone?  Why do I feel so disconnected?

I didn’t see rest or peace as a reality for me.  Miserable with, OR without.   I felt like I didn’t deserve to suffer this much, to believing its exactly what I deserve.  I felt abandoned, not understanding how I could be married alone.  I felt embarrassed, like somehow this made me a failure I always deep down knew I would be.

I felt today like I wanted to offer connection.  Share your story with me.  Let me share mine.  Walk with me.  Read and feel that you are not alone.  Find empathy, acknowledgment, or hope.  Whatever you need.

“Grace is that thing that whispers, its dark and hard in there.  I cannot make it hurt any less, I cannot make it go any faster all I can do is remind you that you walked through this before.” -Glennon Doyle Melton

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Worthy


The battle I fight is never about whether I believe or not, never about questioning any part of the gospel.  But rather the too often pattern of neglecting the simple overlooked truths.  These foundational principles on which the religion is built upon.  I realize that we are imperfect, and herein lies the problem. My concern is the lack of awareness to the severity of this common problem we spread to one another.

This isn’t the common voice you hear saying love everyone don’t judge in the context of -“accept that there is no real truth, just opinion”.  I completely believe in truth and right.  But I also learned from my Savior a love that is unconditional.

What is worse?  Struggling with addiction, or treating others poorly?  Not attending all church meetings, or pointing out that someone isn’t attending church meetings?  I could go on and on.

I’m not sure why we always feel the need to take another’s inventory.  What does that accomplish?  I’m so tired of hearing the same heartbreaking stories of those already dealing with trials and struggles, then having peers shame them.  Do you even think about what you are doing? Why is it your responsibility to shame anyone?  How can love and shame co-exist?  What positive result will come out of that negativity?

The God that I have come to know, surely would be proud of me for doing my best in this life.  If when I fall I turn to Christ, if I learn to develop unconditional and Christlike love, and extend that to my brothers and sisters. If I serve those around me.  Surely, I would return to my Heavnely Father.

I feel so blessed to have the knowledge and understanding that I do.  Even with knowing all of this, I still can feel the weight words, and false concern, and burden of knowing the ones closest to me cannot love me unconditionally unless I live exactly as they wish I do.  What about those on shaky ground?  Please lift them up with weightless love.  This life is too hard on its own; we need not act like we are judges of whom is worthy and accepted.  Everyone is worthy of love and belonging no matter what is done or undone.