connection

The fear cycle 

I used to fear that he wouldn’t choose Recovery, then once he did, I would already be living in fear of his next relapse.  This cycle takes many different forms and really never leaves until I turn back to step 3, and turn it over to Papa.  

With a little more practice, today, when I catch myself living in fear I can see how I’m consumed in SELF.  Fear, comes from my lack of awareness that Papa is just as interested in his success as I am.  Fear and wanting to fix creeps in when I forget that I am powerless over the outcome.  Today, I can pause and choose to save my precious energy for something far better.  Because what does fear do for us anyway? Who does it serve? 

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Acknowledgement

The reality is, it has been 9 years of loving my addict.  9 years longer than I ever would have imagined.

During these past 9 years, I have felt extremities of what it means to feel alone, terrified, hopeless, and broken.  I have felt heartbroken.  Real pain in my stomach through my heart and then to my throat and mind.  How did I end up here?  How did I end up alone?  Why do I feel so disconnected?

I didn’t see rest or peace as a reality for me.  Miserable with, OR without.   I felt like I didn’t deserve to suffer this much, to believing its exactly what I deserve.  I felt abandoned, not understanding how I could be married alone.  I felt embarrassed, like somehow this made me a failure I always deep down knew I would be.

I felt today like I wanted to offer connection.  Share your story with me.  Let me share mine.  Walk with me.  Read and feel that you are not alone.  Find empathy, acknowledgment, or hope.  Whatever you need.

“Grace is that thing that whispers, its dark and hard in there.  I cannot make it hurt any less, I cannot make it go any faster all I can do is remind you that you walked through this before.” -Glennon Doyle Melton

…But I’ll take both 

Tonight I was sitting here gloomy like I have been the past while.  I came across a blog post by my soul sister, Glennon Melon Doyle(if you haven’t read Love Warrior, do it NOW). Immediately a light switch flipped on. Immediately (I need to pause to take that in).  I don’t even know how I found it(well).  That moment was perfect.  I finally felt a perfect acceptance of myself just the way I am.  I spend so much energy hating myself, wishing for everything to be different, shaming myself. All on the inside of course.  That would sound extreme to anyone who knows me but it’s the God forsaken truth.  But that moment it all vanished just like the darkness.  I felt acknowledged.  Understood. Connected, not alone.  Glennon sat beside me, stared into me, and said, “me too”.  

 So because of this small big moment,  I decided to take Glennons’ beautiful writing, and make it my own because heaven knows it’s my story too.
“My highs are high and my lows are low. I love easily but I cry and yell easily,too. I am quick to hug, and quick to anger. I have many struggles, many times a day. But I experience pure joy too, everyday.
I’m not the type to roll with things. I get very down- for reasons I can never identify. I think eighteen times a day how no one in the history of the world has ever had a harder life than I do. Then in the very same second, acknowledge 10 examples of how that will never be true. If I could choose a phrase to describe the polar opposite of my personality, it would be “easy-breezy”.  

Sometimes I get so upset that I become debilitated. I’m talking crumble to the ground, tears, head in hands… the whole she-bang. My break downs appear to be brought on by one little thing, like a grocery bag breaking in the driveway – and so Daniel will say, “It’s okay Maddy, it’s just a grocery bag,” and I’ll say: “IT’S NOT A GROCERY BAG! IT’S EVERYTHING! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT’S EVERYTHING???” And I don’t want anyone to try to fix it or fix me – I just want to be upset. I just need to be upset for awhile. Because life is upsetting, obviously.

I do not cruise through life. I sort of crash through life. But I also “WOW” through life, too.

And so it’s okay. I’ll take the lows with the highs. The valleys are deep but the mountains are high and I’ll take both.” 

Dark


During the daytime you barley notice the city from afar.  It seems like normal buildings that blend in with the town.

During the daytimes in my life, I barely notice.    When my life is great and always goes my way,  it undermines my growth and progression.  It was hard to fully understand the absolute NEED of power, because I didn’t feel powerlessness.  I’m grateful today for the tremendous pain that brought me to my nothingness and importance at the same time; that brought me to understand that I needed God to go on.  That I absolutely could not do this on my own.  That is the best gift I have been given.

During the daytime you barley notice the city from afar. It seems like normal buildings that blend in with the town. In the dark however, the normalcy disappears and it turns into the city of lights. Tonight the sky is a perfect Charcoal the lights are perfect and bright and very much seen.  I guess sometimes you need the darkness to show the beauty.