drug addiction

Let Go Let God 


Because I am very progressive by nature,  I often have moments of enlightenment.   Usually is a concept derived from a truth I already know, sometimes it’s knowledge I already had.  Yet it seems new because it just makes sense in a different light. 

I had one of these moments yesterday.  

I have this new understanding of the process that addiction is.  For a long time now addiction was an old topic.  Anything about or related to it felt redundant.  But yesterday everything changed. 

Mainly the realization of truly letting go.  I don’t know how it didn’t occur to me until now.  Truly giving up your life to God.  Separately, but both for the Addict, and for loved ones.  The words themselves register as simple basic knowledge, but when you put effort in applying them it is powerful and life changing.  

Letting go of control happens when we strengthen our relationship with our creator.  When we know who we are, and what our purpose is, it makes it so much easier to hand our lives over.

I wish we could all strip the paradigm we see through.  We could be more authentic, and free, and trusting. 

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Acknowledgement

The reality is, it has been 9 years of loving my addict.  9 years longer than I ever would have imagined.

During these past 9 years, I have felt extremities of what it means to feel alone, terrified, hopeless, and broken.  I have felt heartbroken.  Real pain in my stomach through my heart and then to my throat and mind.  How did I end up here?  How did I end up alone?  Why do I feel so disconnected?

I didn’t see rest or peace as a reality for me.  Miserable with, OR without.   I felt like I didn’t deserve to suffer this much, to believing its exactly what I deserve.  I felt abandoned, not understanding how I could be married alone.  I felt embarrassed, like somehow this made me a failure I always deep down knew I would be.

I felt today like I wanted to offer connection.  Share your story with me.  Let me share mine.  Walk with me.  Read and feel that you are not alone.  Find empathy, acknowledgment, or hope.  Whatever you need.

“Grace is that thing that whispers, its dark and hard in there.  I cannot make it hurt any less, I cannot make it go any faster all I can do is remind you that you walked through this before.” -Glennon Doyle Melton

Nowhere 

Today I’m just plain exhausted.

Today I feel bad for myself.  I’m upset that addiction causes this much stress and strain on my soul.  

I feel confused because it’s my choice to stay and to be subject to the consequences of loving an addict.  I hate what I go through.  I know that the emotional roller coaster I am on, isn’t right.  I hate what kind of damper it puts on my heart and the weight I carry with me.  But …

I love him.  So much that it hurts.  So cliche right.

Besides all the many different choices I could have made to end up any place but here.  Here is where I reside. I am here.  So what now. 

I hate addiction. I love him.  

What is healthy? What steps do I take? How can I help myself. 

It’s hard to feel like there are good answers to those questions.  I already know the answers any normal person would give me.  But as of yet, nothing sits well with my soul.  Don’t confuse that with wanting an answer that sidesteps pain.  I just want peace even if it accompanies pain.  

Eternal perspective 

It’s so interesting to me how perception can change so dramatically day to day.  Somedays I see a world that is in a million pieces, and others I am thankful for my trials.

I haven’t gotten to the point where I keep my more optimistic attitude all the time.  I still have bad moments. But I do feel like I know the recipe for peace.

My Savior.  I am so thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who made sure we had all the tools we needed to return back to Him.

Although this life is extremely hard, especially while loving an addict, I know that the nearer I draw to My Father the more I can see with an eternal perspective.  It always takes me awhile to get there. But when I do, I see that all I really need is so readily available to me.

Trust 


One day a stranger looked me in the eye and asked me if I believed in God.  I answered confidently, “Yes”.  And then he said, “but do you trust in Him”.  Then went on his way.   Since that day, I have spent a lot of time pondering on his words.  

What does it mean to trust in God.  Do I trust in God?  Because surely if you believe that God is real, you would trust in Him wouldn’t you?  

I am still trying to learn how to fully give over my life to God.  Naturally, when dealing with addiction we try to control everything we can. I cannot tell you how many times a day I catch myself making decisions in hopes it will positively change the outcome of this fight,   I drive myself crazy trying to use my will to make this all better.  

In reality peace will only come by trusting in God and taking advantage of the gift of the atonement.  If we really believe in God, we would also trust in Him.

Repeated Day 


Day 6.  No better than the past 5 days.  In some ways, it’s worse just because it’s not better.  

I often wonder how something so ugly and horrible could exist.  How can there be such strong evil.  Don’t get me wrong, I know why evil exists.  I just can’t quite comprehend the evil of addiction.  It’s different to me.  It robs you of your agency, binds you up. Then when you want to change, you still feel like there is a lifetime of fighting ahead of you.  It makes me feel helpless and angry.  Like we’re the evil we are fighting is a million times stronger than we are.

The more I learn about addiction through time, the less answers I have.  I get more lost.  Maybe that’s the cycle most people go through? Starting out with a bright and perfect hope, then diminishing through the seemingly never-ending struggle.

With hope,

The Addicts Wife 

Beginning


Tonight I was feeling alone.  My husband is on day 5 of withdrawing.  Feeling 5 straight days of stomach aching anxiety, while thinking 24/7 of plans to help us avoid ending up here again, finally just gets too overwhelming.  Out of desperation, like many times before, I googled ….wife of a drug addict, drug addicts wife, and then a numerous of otheir word combinations in hopes to find some connection to someone like me.  Sadly, I found nothing.  I couldn’t help but think about all the others out there just like me. Wanting to find someone, also experiencing the unexplainable range of emotion that can only be understood by loving an addict.

So here I am.

I, am the wife of a drug addict.  Don’t let the title fool you.  I do not believe that is who my husband is.  My husband is the most wonderful human I have ever met.   Drugs are his weakness, and his weakness is not who he is.

Even though it’s hard for me, I am going to try to be as raw as possible.  That’s the only way that I can truly connect with you.  To share the good the bad, the roller coaster it is to be so involved with addiction.

Since it’s so hard to know where to begin, I can generalize my feelings.

It is so hard.  I know I know, I have family and friends! Why not lean on them for help and strength.  I have learned that it almost always makes life harder.  It doesn’t ease the pain, doesn’t change the trial, doesn’t feel any less lonely.  In the end I’m left with family and friends exhausted by my repeated feelings, when they feel fresh each time to me.

Feeling like they don’t understand,  is actually accurate. They don’t.  Any advice they can conjure up, I already know and understand.

All I ever seek is pure love. For me and my husband.  Despite the greatest of intentions, love is always disguised in advice and worry.  I spend too much of my time evaluating my life on my own to let my time with friends and family become tainted by concern and negativity.

Even amongst the loneliness of what feels like quiet suffering, I know that I am not alone.  Christ suffered alone so we don’t have to.  I believe in the atonement of Christ.  I know that He made it possible to be changed and cleansed.  I have hope.  And for that, I am grateful.

With hope,

The Addicts Wife