grief

Dear, ‘the life I was supposed to have’,

Right now I was supposed to be a mom.  I was supposed to have 3 kids by now and my job was supposed to be taking care of the kids, not taking care of the bills.  I was supposed to be worried if I’m doing a good enough job as a mom, not worried if my car would start.  I was supposed to be stressed about whether my husband will like the dinner I made, not stressed about whether my husband will stay sober this time or not.  While my best friend is in the hospital having a baby, I’m in the hospital because my husband overdosed.

Ultimately, my reality is that I am married to an addict, I have no kids, and I have to support myself.  The life I was supposed to have… has died.  So I guess now I am greiving.  It’s funny because as I write that, I realize I’m kind of in denial. (The mere fact that I wrote ‘kind of’ confirms this)  I don’t think I have been still enough realize that this life past away a long time ago.  And if I keep living there, it will kill the life I ‘could’ have now.