recovery

The fear cycle 

I used to fear that he wouldn’t choose Recovery, then once he did, I would already be living in fear of his next relapse.  This cycle takes many different forms and really never leaves until I turn back to step 3, and turn it over to Papa.  

With a little more practice, today, when I catch myself living in fear I can see how I’m consumed in SELF.  Fear, comes from my lack of awareness that Papa is just as interested in his success as I am.  Fear and wanting to fix creeps in when I forget that I am powerless over the outcome.  Today, I can pause and choose to save my precious energy for something far better.  Because what does fear do for us anyway? Who does it serve? 

Old 

I feel significantly older than I am; measured in exhaustion.  Living through these years have felt like I have lived a lifetime.  It’s depressing to be so tired knowing you have a whole life ahead of you with no energy to live it.  Dreams and hopes feel completely different with no motivation to tag along.  I wish I could purchase motivation in the vitamin isle.  THAT would be great right?!  I guess that’s where the work is.  That’s where my work is.  

…But I’ll take both 

Tonight I was sitting here gloomy like I have been the past while.  I came across a blog post by my soul sister, Glennon Melon Doyle(if you haven’t read Love Warrior, do it NOW). Immediately a light switch flipped on. Immediately (I need to pause to take that in).  I don’t even know how I found it(well).  That moment was perfect.  I finally felt a perfect acceptance of myself just the way I am.  I spend so much energy hating myself, wishing for everything to be different, shaming myself. All on the inside of course.  That would sound extreme to anyone who knows me but it’s the God forsaken truth.  But that moment it all vanished just like the darkness.  I felt acknowledged.  Understood. Connected, not alone.  Glennon sat beside me, stared into me, and said, “me too”.  

 So because of this small big moment,  I decided to take Glennons’ beautiful writing, and make it my own because heaven knows it’s my story too.
“My highs are high and my lows are low. I love easily but I cry and yell easily,too. I am quick to hug, and quick to anger. I have many struggles, many times a day. But I experience pure joy too, everyday.
I’m not the type to roll with things. I get very down- for reasons I can never identify. I think eighteen times a day how no one in the history of the world has ever had a harder life than I do. Then in the very same second, acknowledge 10 examples of how that will never be true. If I could choose a phrase to describe the polar opposite of my personality, it would be “easy-breezy”.  

Sometimes I get so upset that I become debilitated. I’m talking crumble to the ground, tears, head in hands… the whole she-bang. My break downs appear to be brought on by one little thing, like a grocery bag breaking in the driveway – and so Daniel will say, “It’s okay Maddy, it’s just a grocery bag,” and I’ll say: “IT’S NOT A GROCERY BAG! IT’S EVERYTHING! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT’S EVERYTHING???” And I don’t want anyone to try to fix it or fix me – I just want to be upset. I just need to be upset for awhile. Because life is upsetting, obviously.

I do not cruise through life. I sort of crash through life. But I also “WOW” through life, too.

And so it’s okay. I’ll take the lows with the highs. The valleys are deep but the mountains are high and I’ll take both.” 

Chasing 


You aren’t supposed to let anyone decide how you feel, yet it seems that love decides for you all the time.

I feel out of breath.  I am exhausted from chasing love that I can never catch up to.  

I have been here this whole marathon.  I thought I couldn’t reach you because it was snowing, then raining, then hailing.  But now as the storms have calmed, I find myself still running and still not grasping.  
 
 

Dark


During the daytime you barley notice the city from afar.  It seems like normal buildings that blend in with the town.

During the daytimes in my life, I barely notice.    When my life is great and always goes my way,  it undermines my growth and progression.  It was hard to fully understand the absolute NEED of power, because I didn’t feel powerlessness.  I’m grateful today for the tremendous pain that brought me to my nothingness and importance at the same time; that brought me to understand that I needed God to go on.  That I absolutely could not do this on my own.  That is the best gift I have been given.

During the daytime you barley notice the city from afar. It seems like normal buildings that blend in with the town. In the dark however, the normalcy disappears and it turns into the city of lights. Tonight the sky is a perfect Charcoal the lights are perfect and bright and very much seen.  I guess sometimes you need the darkness to show the beauty.

Trust 


One day a stranger looked me in the eye and asked me if I believed in God.  I answered confidently, “Yes”.  And then he said, “but do you trust in Him”.  Then went on his way.   Since that day, I have spent a lot of time pondering on his words.  

What does it mean to trust in God.  Do I trust in God?  Because surely if you believe that God is real, you would trust in Him wouldn’t you?  

I am still trying to learn how to fully give over my life to God.  Naturally, when dealing with addiction we try to control everything we can. I cannot tell you how many times a day I catch myself making decisions in hopes it will positively change the outcome of this fight,   I drive myself crazy trying to use my will to make this all better.  

In reality peace will only come by trusting in God and taking advantage of the gift of the atonement.  If we really believe in God, we would also trust in Him.

Beginning


Tonight I was feeling alone.  My husband is on day 5 of withdrawing.  Feeling 5 straight days of stomach aching anxiety, while thinking 24/7 of plans to help us avoid ending up here again, finally just gets too overwhelming.  Out of desperation, like many times before, I googled ….wife of a drug addict, drug addicts wife, and then a numerous of otheir word combinations in hopes to find some connection to someone like me.  Sadly, I found nothing.  I couldn’t help but think about all the others out there just like me. Wanting to find someone, also experiencing the unexplainable range of emotion that can only be understood by loving an addict.

So here I am.

I, am the wife of a drug addict.  Don’t let the title fool you.  I do not believe that is who my husband is.  My husband is the most wonderful human I have ever met.   Drugs are his weakness, and his weakness is not who he is.

Even though it’s hard for me, I am going to try to be as raw as possible.  That’s the only way that I can truly connect with you.  To share the good the bad, the roller coaster it is to be so involved with addiction.

Since it’s so hard to know where to begin, I can generalize my feelings.

It is so hard.  I know I know, I have family and friends! Why not lean on them for help and strength.  I have learned that it almost always makes life harder.  It doesn’t ease the pain, doesn’t change the trial, doesn’t feel any less lonely.  In the end I’m left with family and friends exhausted by my repeated feelings, when they feel fresh each time to me.

Feeling like they don’t understand,  is actually accurate. They don’t.  Any advice they can conjure up, I already know and understand.

All I ever seek is pure love. For me and my husband.  Despite the greatest of intentions, love is always disguised in advice and worry.  I spend too much of my time evaluating my life on my own to let my time with friends and family become tainted by concern and negativity.

Even amongst the loneliness of what feels like quiet suffering, I know that I am not alone.  Christ suffered alone so we don’t have to.  I believe in the atonement of Christ.  I know that He made it possible to be changed and cleansed.  I have hope.  And for that, I am grateful.

With hope,

The Addicts Wife