recovery

Letter to my Addict

Dearest *****,

I love you. You are easily the best person I have ever known.  I feel so much hurt at the thought of what you’re going through now and all your life.  I deeply believe that you are doing the best you can and no matter what does or doesn’t happen it will be okay, you will have done enough.  I’m thankful for every single part of my life with you.  I wouldn’t change any of the worry, pain, or struggle.  As deep as my struggle and pain go, is the height of my hope and dependence on God and Christ.  I really do believe the same for you.  They are the way.  When all of us fail you, He is there, perfectly.  Usually I struggle with either saving or not feeling, but today I can do better.  I choose to feel.  To feel sad for you, hurt for you, love for you.  But I can’t save you.  I’m trying to step out of the way; stop being your Savior because I can’t, but He can.  Let God work in your life.  Lean on them.  I will be loving you every minute of every day.

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The fear cycle 

I used to fear that he wouldn’t choose Recovery, then once he did, I would already be living in fear of his next relapse.  This cycle takes many different forms and really never leaves until I turn back to step 3, and turn it over to Papa.  

With a little more practice, today, when I catch myself living in fear I can see how I’m consumed in SELF.  Fear, comes from my lack of awareness that Papa is just as interested in his success as I am.  Fear and wanting to fix creeps in when I forget that I am powerless over the outcome.  Today, I can pause and choose to save my precious energy for something far better.  Because what does fear do for us anyway? Who does it serve? 

Old 

I feel significantly older than I am; measured in exhaustion.  Living through these years have felt like I have lived a lifetime.  It’s depressing to be so tired knowing you have a whole life ahead of you with no energy to live it.  Dreams and hopes feel completely different with no motivation to tag along.  I wish I could purchase motivation in the vitamin isle.  THAT would be great right?!  I guess that’s where the work is.  That’s where my work is.  

…But I’ll take both 

Tonight I was sitting here gloomy like I have been the past while.  I came across a blog post by my soul sister, Glennon Melon Doyle(if you haven’t read Love Warrior, do it NOW). Immediately a light switch flipped on. Immediately (I need to pause to take that in).  I don’t even know how I found it(well).  That moment was perfect.  I finally felt a perfect acceptance of myself just the way I am.  I spend so much energy hating myself, wishing for everything to be different, shaming myself. All on the inside of course.  That would sound extreme to anyone who knows me but it’s the God forsaken truth.  But that moment it all vanished just like the darkness.  I felt acknowledged.  Understood. Connected, not alone.  Glennon sat beside me, stared into me, and said, “me too”.

So because of this small big moment,  I decided to take Glennons’ beautiful writing, and make it my own because heaven knows it’s my story too.
“My highs are high and my lows are low. I love easily but I cry and yell easily,too. I am quick to hug, and quick to anger. I have many struggles, many times a day. But I experience pure joy too, everyday.
I’m not the type to roll with things. I get very down- for reasons I can never identify. I think eighteen times a day how no one in the history of the world has ever had a harder life than I do. Then in the very same second, acknowledge 10 examples of how that will never be true. If I could choose a phrase to describe the polar opposite of my personality, it would be “easy-breezy”.

Sometimes I get so upset that I become debilitated. I’m talking crumble to the ground, tears, head in hands… the whole she-bang. My break downs appear to be brought on by one little thing, like a grocery bag breaking in the driveway – and so he will say, “It’s okay, it’s just a grocery bag,” and I’ll say: “IT’S NOT A GROCERY BAG! IT’S EVERYTHING! WHY CAN’T YOU SEE IT’S EVERYTHING???” And I don’t want anyone to try to fix it or fix me – I just want to be upset. I just need to be upset for awhile. Because life is upsetting, obviously.

I do not cruise through life. I sort of crash through life. But I also “WOW” through life, too.

And so it’s okay. I’ll take the lows with the highs. The valleys are deep but the mountains are high and I’ll take both.”

Chasing 


You aren’t supposed to let anyone decide how you feel, yet it seems that love decides for you all the time.

I feel out of breath.  I am exhausted from chasing love that I can never catch up to.  

I have been here this whole marathon.  I thought I couldn’t reach you because it was snowing, then raining, then hailing.  But now as the storms have calmed, I find myself still running and still not grasping.  
 
 

Dark


During the daytime you barley notice the city from afar.  It seems like normal buildings that blend in with the town.

During the daytimes in my life, I barely notice.    When my life is great and always goes my way,  it undermines my growth and progression.  It was hard to fully understand the absolute NEED of power, because I didn’t feel powerlessness.  I’m grateful today for the tremendous pain that brought me to my nothingness and importance at the same time; that brought me to understand that I needed God to go on.  That I absolutely could not do this on my own.  That is the best gift I have been given.

During the daytime you barley notice the city from afar. It seems like normal buildings that blend in with the town. In the dark however, the normalcy disappears and it turns into the city of lights. Tonight the sky is a perfect Charcoal the lights are perfect and bright and very much seen.  I guess sometimes you need the darkness to show the beauty.

Trust 


One day a stranger looked me in the eye and asked me if I believed in God.  I answered confidently, “Yes”.  And then he said, “but do you trust in Him”.  Then went on his way.   Since that day, I have spent a lot of time pondering on his words.  

What does it mean to trust in God.  Do I trust in God?  Because surely if you believe that God is real, you would trust in Him wouldn’t you?  

I am still trying to learn how to fully give over my life to God.  Naturally, when dealing with addiction we try to control everything we can. I cannot tell you how many times a day I catch myself making decisions in hopes it will positively change the outcome of this fight,   I drive myself crazy trying to use my will to make this all better.  

In reality peace will only come by trusting in God and taking advantage of the gift of the atonement.  If we really believe in God, we would also trust in Him.