steps

Acknowledgement

The reality is, it has been 9 years of loving my addict.  9 years longer than I ever would have imagined.

During these past 9 years, I have felt extremities of what it means to feel alone, terrified, hopeless, and broken.  I have felt heartbroken.  Real pain in my stomach through my heart and then to my throat and mind.  How did I end up here?  How did I end up alone?  Why do I feel so disconnected?

I didn’t see rest or peace as a reality for me.  Miserable with, OR without.   I felt like I didn’t deserve to suffer this much, to believing its exactly what I deserve.  I felt abandoned, not understanding how I could be married alone.  I felt embarrassed, like somehow this made me a failure I always deep down knew I would be.

I felt today like I wanted to offer connection.  Share your story with me.  Let me share mine.  Walk with me.  Read and feel that you are not alone.  Find empathy, acknowledgment, or hope.  Whatever you need.

“Grace is that thing that whispers, its dark and hard in there.  I cannot make it hurt any less, I cannot make it go any faster all I can do is remind you that you walked through this before.” -Glennon Doyle Melton

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Nowhere 

Today I’m just plain exhausted.

Today I feel bad for myself.  I’m upset that addiction causes this much stress and strain on my soul.  

I feel confused because it’s my choice to stay and to be subject to the consequences of loving an addict.  I hate what I go through.  I know that the emotional roller coaster I am on, isn’t right.  I hate what kind of damper it puts on my heart and the weight I carry with me.  But …

I love him.  So much that it hurts.  So cliche right.

Besides all the many different choices I could have made to end up any place but here.  Here is where I reside. I am here.  So what now. 

I hate addiction. I love him.  

What is healthy? What steps do I take? How can I help myself. 

It’s hard to feel like there are good answers to those questions.  I already know the answers any normal person would give me.  But as of yet, nothing sits well with my soul.  Don’t confuse that with wanting an answer that sidesteps pain.  I just want peace even if it accompanies pain.